Episode 5 - I Always Get What I Want!

Previously on A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila: Brandi squashed a Heaven Lizard, Tila dripped candle wax on Ryan's bulge, and Ashley freaked the hell out, sending Bobby to the hospital, in one of the single greatest meltdowns I've ever seen on reality TV.
People aren't feeling all that good in the Shot at Love house in the wake of Hurricane Ashley. Bobby is perfectly safe, but he got some ambulance alone time, so it worked out well for him. Ryan wants everyone to relax, and his idea is waking people up with an air horn. God, he's totally that guy who's really a douchebag, and everyone around him knows it and doesn't even try to hide their disdain, but he still thinks everyone loves him.
For their challenge, the men and women mix it up and put on bathing suits. Team captains Domenico and Michael B. alternate choosing teams, and after picking all the men, they go for the women, and Vanessa feels like the fat kid on the playground because she's last. The mixed teams are each tasked with creatively washing a car in 10 minutes, and the winners go on a spa trip with Tila Tequila. By creative, she means sexually suggestive. Boobs, butts and other sexual appendages are rubbed up against a Hummer. Brandi loses points in my book for making the obvious joke. The winning team is the one led by Michael B., which also includes Bobby, Ryan, Amanda and Ashli.
SIDENOTE: Have you seen these previews for The Mist, the new Stephen King adaptation by Frank Darabont? If you haven't, you should. It's a fantastic short story and looks like a brilliant movie.
In the house, Bobby is making the playground argument about how, since Ashli is a virgin, she doesn't know if she's straight or gay. She responds the only logical way: how does he know he's not gay if he's never slept with another guy.
On the date, women get facials, men get pedicures, and then we get your standard "guys being waxed" scene. Michael B. gets the worst of it, because his butt and balls both get waxed. Amanda takes pleasure in the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see a guy's balls get waxed. Yes, it's just like Haley's Comet.
Meanwhile, Domenico's team still gets a date with Tila Tequila, but it involves camping outside. Brandi gets Tila a smore, and man, that looks good. It's been so long since I've had one, even longer if you don't count smore Pop Tarts. She gets some alone time with Domenico who says he hasn't touched himself for two months. Tila says she does it nine times a day. Domenico's eyes light up. Dani and Tila hang out and kiss, and "Galileo" by the Indigo Girls plays. Way to support stereotypes, producers.
Vanessa is drunk and running around, swimming naked, flirting with Bobby, quite aggressively. Vanessa is all too happy to take up the show villain title. She's upset because Bobby won't admit he wants to sleep with her. She leaves, but not before throwing her drink, which hits Brandi. GIRL FIGHT! Actually, it's just a screaming match.
The next morning, they get another message in a bottle saying they'll be celebrating "Tila de Mayo," complete with sombreros. Each person must spin around in a chair, then bring a tray of margaritas to Tila Tequila. It's men vs. women. Ryan spills three drinks, but he's up against Vanessa, who spills four. Bobby spills one, so it's all tied up going into the final race against Steven and Dani. Bobby slips and calls firefighter Dani an "athletic guy." Steven makes it first, but spills all but one, so the ladies win again and win the final date before elimination.
The girls take a limo to a Mexican restaurant. The whole Bobby-Vanessa-Brandi altercation comes to light. Vanessa tries to make Bobby look like the bad guy, so when Tila Tequila gets home, she gets the skinny from Bobby. He tells the truth about her sexual talk and drinking.
A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila Elimination Time! Dani is safe. Yay! I love that butch gal, even if she does look more like a man than Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry. Ryan, my hometown hero, is safe, as is an overly confident Brandi. Domenico is safe, which...I love the crazy dude, but he really has no shot at winning this thing. Amanda is also safe, despite the fact that she's about a foot and a half taller than Tila. Steven is safe too, so it's down to the final two of each gender.
For the ladies, it's Vanessa vs. Ashli, and the bad girl stays while sweet virginal Ashli is sent home. On the men's side, it's Bobby, who Vanessa almost sexually assaulted, and Michael B., who waxed his balls for Tila. Bobby is safe. Poor Michael B., I guess it's back to delivering pizzas on a bike and sleeping on his parents' couch. On the bright side, he's leaving this competition with smoother balls.
On the next episode of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila: a disgusting eating competition leaves everyone dry heaving. But more importantly, CAT FIGHT! And I mean a real one, as Vanessa goes straight for another chick's hair.
All Of The Blogs But The 1st One Were Made By:-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer(Image courtesy of MTV)